Written by Diane Bauer, M.S.
Diane Bauer Therapy, PLLC

As a couple therapist, my ‘client’ is the relationship, and my job is not to take sides in any arguments the couple may be having, but rather to remain neutral and to advocate for the health of the relationship. As I reflect back on some of the recent sessions in my therapy office, I am reminded of a particular couple who came in. They’d known each other for more than 2 decades, and they had been married for more than 10 years. As with many couples, they reported that they still loved one another, but the question remained as to whether or not they were still ‘in love’ with each other. They found this realization disturbing enough that they’d agreed to attend couple therapy. Upon further investigation, the husband reported he’d felt this way for several years, but he stated he didn’t want to hurt his wife and didn’t know how to tell her how he felt, so he had kept his feelings to himself. Sadly, this was the first couple therapy session these folks had attended in their 20+ years together and, before we had the chance to do any real work together, therapy was terminated and the couple separated. There was ‘too much water under the bridge’—too much hurt and frustration–to support a willingness to continue to work on the relationship. While many would jump to the conclusion that there must have been an affair partner somwhere in the mix, that was not the case with this couple. There had simply been too little connection and too much hurt for too long to be willing to hurt any longer. There was not enough hope that things could ever be better.

As I think about this particular situation, it occurs to me that perhaps there is an opportunity here to rethink the traditional approach to couples therapy. With a divorce rate for first marriages hovering around 50%, for second marriages over 60%, and for third marriages, almost 75%, it is clear that being in a committed relationship requires continual work—negotiation, compromise, and stick-to-itiveness– in order for both parties to remain satisfied with the relationship over time.   While we encourage young couples to do a few sessions of premarital work before committing to marriage, we fail to follow-up and encourage these same couples to commit to regular check-in sessions with a therapist over the life of their relationship. Therapy is viewed primarily as something we do when we are experiencing problems—work to do when there is a problem to ‘fix’. Perhaps approaching couple therapy as a ‘wellness visit’—a commitment to the health of a relationship rather than as a last-ditch effort to save a dying relationship, might be a more sensible approach.

If you view your significant other as your best friend, soulmate, and life partner, I invite you to consider making an investment in your relationship now in order to keep it on the path you want it on. We can discuss what might make sense for you and your partner—perhaps quarterly or bi-monthly sessions to work on whatever issues you may be facing at the moment—work/life balance, transitioning to parenthood or parenting issues, caretaking of older parents, empty nest, retirement—let’s work together to address issues before resentments have a chance to grow and cause damage to the most important relationship in your life. Call me at (970) 797-2259 x-325 to schedule a consultation now!