Written by Diane Bauer, M.S.
Diane Bauer Therapy, PLLC

If you suspected that you had pneumonia or diabetes or cancer, would you make an appointment with your physician to see what help was available to keep you as healthy as possible?  Of course you would!  Are you equally as comfortable seeking treatment for mental health issues such as unresolved grief and loss, relationship difficulties, anxiety, depression, or an addiction?  These are issues for which treatment is readily available but oftentimes not sought.  Our mental health is simply another facet of our overall health, but too often, long-standing misconceptions about therapy and the people who seek therapy keep individuals from getting professional help when it would be very beneficial.  In an effort to raise awareness and shed some light on the truth about therapy, following is a list of some of the more common misconceptions and myths I’ve heard in my practice.

1.  People who go to therapy are either weak or crazy.

Think about it this way—are people who go to school too weak to teach themselves or people who go to the doctor too weak to heal themselves? Of course not! There may be a biological component to some disorders, such as depression or panic attacks, which make it incredibly difficult to heal yourself. Sadly, having emotional or cognitive concerns is often seen as a failing or a flaw. Not being able to “fix” your own problems is seen as weak. Actually, the opposite is true. Seeking help means you are taking action and this often requires far more strength and courage than passively staying stuck. It is a sign of resourcefulness.

My personal therapy sessions are often the most emotionally exhausting hour of my week. It requires strength to explore your fears, your emotional and mental limits and boundaries, and to challenge your world view when it maybe isn’t working for you any longer. Regardless of why a person is seeking therapy, “crazy” is never an appropriate term and only serves to increase the stigma that causes people to avoid seeking the help they very much deserve and/or need.

2.  Therapy is for people with “serious” issues.

Some believe you need to be diagnosed with a psychological disorder or be profoundly struggling before it makes sense to seek therapy. The reality is, if you are sensing something is just not quite right in your life or in your relationships, waiting will likely only exacerbate the problem, making it tougher to untangle. The end result of avoiding dealing with an issue is that you struggle longer than you need to.

People see therapists for a wide variety of issues—all in a desire to improve their lives. People seek therapy to improve their relationships, cope with grief and loss, deal with life transitions (leaving home for the first time, getting married, having children, getting divorced, empty nest, aging, etc.) to cope with disorders (both physical and mental), to figure out who they are and what they want in life. Therapy provides a neutral, third-party perspective on a wide variety of issues.

3.  I can’t afford therapy.  It’s too expensive.

We all prioritize the things that are important to us and make decisions on spending our money keeping in line with those priorities. I see the money I spend on therapy as an investment in my health and personal development, similar to someone who hires a personal trainer to help them train for a marathon or to reach or maintain a level of physical fitness. Sometimes, people who are ambivalent about entering therapy or about prioritizing their well-being let the cost of therapy be an excuse for not getting help. Yes, therapy can be expensive, but I would argue there is a greater cost for not doing the inner work to improve the quality of your life. When you consider how your well-being—or lack of it—will impact your relationships, health, career success, and overall life satisfaction, therapy is an investment clearly worth making.

4.  Once I start therapy, I’ll never get done.

We are all works in progress, but therapy is usually not endless. It is a very individualized process and everyone moves at a different pace. I would venture to say many people don’t stay in therapy long enough, running away when they begin to feel too vulnerable as the deeper work begins. Many people choose to seek therapy for a specific issue, terminate therapy when that issue seems to be resolved to their satisfaction, and then return to therapy for another few sessions when another issue comes to light. How you approach therapy is something you and your therapist can discuss in initial meetings as you develop a treatment plan and goals. My goal as your therapist is to work myself out of a job by empowering you to function better on your own.

5.  Therapists can only help if they have experienced the same issue for which you are seeking therapy.

Wanting to find a therapist who has resolved the same issue you want help with is more about wanting to be understood than actually sharing a diagnosis. People in pain, regardless of their particular issue, want to know that someone understands what they are experiencing and how they feel, particularly if they have experienced any misunderstanding around the issue. While a good therapist certainly brings his or her wisdom about the healing process to the therapy, the goal is to teach people how to have compassion for themselves, staying curious and open-hearted in order to learn and feel things about themselves which allow them to release the constraints and burdens that have kept them from feeling their best. The therapist’s curiosity guides people to their own answers. Truly, the paradox of good therapy is that healing comes from the client.

6.  Therapists are wise, evolved, and have their “stuff” together.

I talk very openly about the fact that I see a therapist. In order for me to be an effective therapist for my clients, I think it is important for me to understand what it’s like to sit in the chair they are sitting in. We all have issues that we can be working on, changes we can make in our lives, and I’m no different. Therapists are people too, and they generally don’t start out having their “stuff” together. A good portion are drawn to the field because they have been tossed around by life. Those who have the courage to do their own work, go to therapy, and grapple with their own issues, can become, as Ernest Hemingway put it, “stronger at the broken places.” A wounded healer is often the best healer because they are intimately familiar with the path of becoming conscious of and caring for the pain they have harbored. This may explain why the issues a therapist specializes in treating often reflect his or her own wounds and makes them particularly adept at helping people who are experiencing something similar.

7.  Therapy is for people who can’t deal with their problems.

Therapy isn’t synonymous with being unable to deal with problems. Oftentimes, being able to tackle present problems requires that we discuss past experiences and explore the ways in which those experiences impact who we are today and how we respond to new issues. I find that with many of my clients, current issues are related to being triggered by unresolved grief over a previous loss that they thought they had “gotten over”. The reality is, we rarely “get over” significant losses, rather we find new ways to incorporate those losses in our lives.

8.  Related to the above, a therapist will just blame all of my problems on my parents or my childhood experiences.

Many people believe that in order to have their present affected by their childhood, they need to have been abused in some way. It’s really not that black and white. The fact is, you are who you are today, and you have the attitudes and beliefs you have today as a direct result of what you learned in the past. As a result, one component of your therapy may entail exploring childhood experiences and significant life events. The point of looking backward is to better understand the present and to make changes to positively impact your future. Discussing your family background can help you and your therapist understand your perceptions and feelings, current coping strategies, and see patterns that have developed over the course of your life.

9.  Why go to therapy when I can just talk to my friends or family?  Isn’t therapy just like having a paid friend?

There is a pervasive belief in our society that the support of a good friend can substitute for therapy. True, friends provide invaluable love, support, and wisdom during times of stress. There are, however, several important differences between therapy and relationships with friends and family.

With friends and family, you are likely to censor yourself somewhat in an effort to protect feelings—theirs or yours. You may avoid some topics and sugarcoat others in an effort to avoid portraying yourself or others in a negative light. In therapy, you can be completely honest because everything you say in session is legally confidential to you (with a very few specific exceptions which your therapist will explain to you.). As a result, people often tell their therapists things they have never revealed to anyone else. That confidentiality alone is what makes therapy worthwhile to many. It allows you to honestly grapple with ideas and emotions without fear of being judged in any way.

Additionally, research shows that psychotherapy is effective and helpful. The techniques a therapist uses in session are more than just talking and listening and have been developed over decades of research. Therapists are highly trained professionals who have spent years learning and practicing how to diagnose and treat cognitive, behavioral, emotional, and relational issues. This makes them experts in understanding and treating complex problems, allowing them to recognize behavior and thought patterns objectively.

10.  Someone who doesn’t know me can’t help me.

The fact that your therapist does not know you when you call for the first appointment is exactly why your therapist can help! A trained therapist does not have the personal agenda that your friends or family members have. Their personal history with you biases their perspective and the help they can lend. A therapist is a neutral third party who will challenge you to explore new perspectives and ways of being. Again, it is important to honestly share your feelings and perspectives with family and friends so you can benefit from their love and support. Being honest with the people in your life, including yourself, is exactly what a therapist can help you do.

11.  Medication is just as effective as therapy.  All I need is a prescription.

If you need medication, you definitely need therapy as well. Without therapy, you run the risk of having the medication act as a Band-Aid, just covering up your symptoms rather than treating the underlying issues. Therapy is what gets at the root of the problem, which is where you get the most value in terms of your mental health. Research shows that medication in tandem with talk therapy is the most effective treatment for a variety of mental health issues.

12.  A friend saw a therapist and said it didn’t help.

The reality is, there are good therapists and bad therapists, just as there are good attorneys and bad attorneys or good teachers and bad teachers. It is important to understand that not every therapist will be a good fit for you or for the issue you want to resolve. Each discipline (psychologists, counselors, marriage and family therapists, etc.) requires different training and has a slightly different focus for treatment. Individual therapists may specialize, for instance in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) which involves identifying distorted thinking, modifying beliefs, relating to others in different ways, and changing behaviors. Others consider themselves ‘eclectic’ therapists, meaning they draw on many different theories to personalize treatment to you and your particular situation. Additionally, motivation to change and a willingness to look deeply at yourself are components to successful therapy. Not everyone is willing to do the hard work of therapy. And all issues are not equally as responsive to treatment.

13.  If the therapy was working, I’d be feeling better.

If only this were true! However, since therapy is about facing things that are difficult—and sometimes painful or shaming—there are times when therapy doesn’t feel very good at all. Facing difficult things can bring relief and it can feel empowering, but it may first leave you feeling hurt or sad, angry, ashamed, or disempowered. Having emotions stirred up is part of the therapeutic process and it is important to talk about these difficult feelings. Sometimes you may even have negative feelings toward your therapist during the process and it is important to work through those feelings as well because this is often ‘misplaced anger that comes out sideways.’ Therapists are used to this and trained to respond in ways that will help you deal honestly with whatever happens to come up.

Part of the therapeutic work is to help you develop the ability to tolerate your feelings without becoming overwhelmed. When we are able to experience the whole range of our emotions, we begin to live our lives more authentically.

14.  I don’t have time.

This, like the cost of therapy, is often used as an excuse for those who are ambivalent about entering therapy. Therapists know that many people are strapped for time, so many will accommodate those busy schedules by offering to see you on weekends or during evening hours. If you can meet with a therapist face-to-face and establish what your goals and needs are, some may also agree to an occasional phone session or an online video session through Skype or some other similar service.