Written by Diane Bauer, M.S.
Diane Bauer Therapy, PLLC

Many, if not most of us, were raised with an understanding that forgiveness was something we did for someone who had wronged us—a graciousness we extended to another. Oftentimes this results in feelings of guilt and an inability to move past an incident if you don’t feel you are ready or able to forgive another. In Forgiveness—A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart (1992), Robin Casarjian invites us to take what we think we know about forgiveness and put it under a chair for a while in order to explore what forgiveness really is and what it is not.

Forgiveness is NOT:

• Condoning negative, inappropriate behavior—your own or someone else’s
• Pretending everything is just fine when you feel it isn’t
• An acknowledgement that the other person is right and you are wrong
• A requirement for you to verbally communicate directly with the person who wronged you (meaning it is possible for you to forgive someone who has already died)

Forgiveness IS:

• A decision to see beyond the limits of another’s personality. It requires recognizing that if a person is acting like a “jerk”, or insensitively, then implicit in their behavior and attitudes are constriction and fear. Underlying their behavior and attitudes is a call for respect, acknowledgment, and love.
• An attitude that implies you are willing to accept responsibility for your own perceptions, realizing that your perceptions are a choice and not an objective fact.
• Rarely a one-time event. Rather it is a process that requires shifting your perceptions again and again over time.
• A way of life—a commitment to experiencing each moment uncluttered by past perceptions.
• An understanding that we can resolutely disagree with someone without withdrawing our love.
• A gift to yourself rather than something you do for someone else.

So, what are the benefits to NOT forgiving? Anger is a strong, temporary emotional reaction to feeling threatened in some way. Resentment is a way to feel strongly and to feel again. When we feel resentful, we feel strongly the pain of the past over and over again. The benefits to holding on to that resentment include a feeling of being more powerful and in control. It provides an impetus and fuel for getting things done. It is a method of controlling others—people around an angry and resentful person become guilty and frightened and, as a result, sometimes allow themselves to be manipulated. Anger is a way to avoid communication. It is also a way of asserting that you are “right”. It is a way to avoid the feelings that are under the anger—the fear and sadness underlying the anger. It keeps you in the role of the victim. If you forgive, you do not deny you were victimized, but having been a victim no longer dominates your present identity and emotional life. Anger is a wall of self-protection, but in reality, it reestablishes your sense of powerlessness and fear. You unconsciously relinquish the power you have to the person with whom you are angry.

You absolutely have a right to be angry when you are wronged. Don’t confuse forgiving with denying your feelings, needs and desires. Honor your feelings, respect yourself, and be gentle with yourself! Then, as time passes, try to be completely honest with yourself. Are you attached to the anger and afraid to let it go? Only you can decide whether holding on to the anger is more beneficial to you than forgiving. There may be certain people that you don’t want to forgive or that you don’t feel ready or capable of forgiving at this time. Know that no one can forgive before they are ready to do so. Reflect on what is acceptable and unacceptable for you in the context of the relationship and then let go of the expectations that demand what the other person cannot give. Consider that without forgiveness you will always be bound to the relationship that is painful. Decide instead to give yourself the gift of forgiveness—the gift that allows you to shed the pain and anger and reclaim your capacity for aliveness and love.
There are many reasons we struggle with forgiveness. Infidelity, domestic violence, divorce and custody battles are all issues that contribute to difficulty with forgiveness. Sexual assault, molestation, verbal and psychological abuse, and neglect are others. If you find yourself wanting to forgive but feeling unable to do so, please consider therapy as an alternative to remaining stuck in your anger or resentment. I am happy to meet you where you are in the process and work with you toward your goals.