Written by Diane Bauer, M.S.
Diane Bauer Therapy, PLLC

Therapists refer to trauma as being either a “little t trauma” or a “Big T Trauma.” Little t traumas may be being teased in elementary school, a move at a vulnerable time during childhood, the loss of a friendship due to a misunderstanding, or the loss of a beloved pet. They are the more common life experiences that are unsettling when they occur but typically are not thought of as “traumatizing.” Big T traumas most often involve threat to life or physical safety—experiencing a natural disaster, war, rape. No trauma seems small to the person experiencing it, and the emotional wounds from either small t or Big T traumas can last a lifetime.

In my practice, infidelity is treated as a Big T trauma to an intimate relationship. Affairs happen for a variety of reasons and it can be very difficult to sort out what to do next after infidelity is revealed. It is common in the weeks (and sometimes months) after an affair is revealed for both partners to be caught up in a tidal wave of emotions. Shock, anger, fear, loss and sadness abound and can hit unexpectedly. It can feel pretty overwhelming. I recommend working with either an individual or a couple therapist (or both!) during this time in order that you might have someone other than your partner or the affair partner available to share this experience with you. While friends and family are likely to be willing to hear your story, particularly if you choose to stay together and work on your relationship, it is important that these people, as much as possible, are allowed to continue to love and support both of you rather than taking sides and fueling your hurt. It is a difficult time for both parties, but not an impossible one. I work with couples every week who are working through the aftermath of affairs and have found that the sooner couples are willing and able to seek help to begin the repair work, the better.

Intimacy cannot exist where there is dishonesty and secrecy. Reestablishing trust after an affair calls for honesty—a willingness on the part of the person who has been unfaithful to admit responsibility for their behavior and to get clear about their commitment to the relationship. The person who has been unfaithful will be asked to be present and willing to hear the rage, anger, hurt, and fears of their partner. As well, the other partner will be asked to be honest as we explore the ways that both parties contributed to the vulnerability of the relationship to an affair. Is this easy? No, but it is a necessary part of healing and strengthening a relationship after infidelity.

If the two of you decide to stay together, there are steps you can take immediately to increase the chances of succeeding in your desire to rebuild your relationship. First and foremost, say good-bye to the person you had the affair with. Reassure your partner that you will have no further interaction with this person. Take action to increase open communication within your relationship. Share your pain and be willing to hear your partner’s pain. Take specific steps to earn back the trust that was broken. This takes time. Do not expect trust to be rebuilt without significant effort and time. Develop a shared vision of your future together. Create new ways to connect going forward. And forgive your partner and yourself, because without forgiveness there is no friendship; and without friendship, there is no real partnership.